Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
