i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
