Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
