when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
