do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
