4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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