My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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