I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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