She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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