1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I still have a little drunk in my system
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
