I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
