Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
