We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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