Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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