i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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