i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
