You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Can you bring me the toilet please
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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