dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
