My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
