He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
