kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My vagina just clenched in fear
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
