I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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