you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
