even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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