Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
