It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Boobs speak an international language.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
