I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
