1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
