direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
