i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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