Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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