Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
