If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
