I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
