His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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