dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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