Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
