oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
