Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
