...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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