Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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