Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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