was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
