Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
