I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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