dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I could fuck to npr.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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