FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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