why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
