do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Girls should come with a carfax report
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
