That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
