Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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