I CAN MOONWALK!
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
