don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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