OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
