Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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