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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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