I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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